My first burst of "overwhelmed-ness"... and Baba and me...

**UPDATE: IF YOU ALREADY READ THIS, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SCANN IT AGAIN, AS I ADDED A BIT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT MY PLANS HERE AND OTHER STUFF...**

Something very powerful happened to me yesterday and today, but I've been hesitating whether to write about it because of the many ways people could interpret it (or I should say, MISinterpret it), and the many ways people would worry about me when they read this... Especially my parents and a couple of my closest friends. However, I feel like I need to write about it. It is part of my experiences here, and if I didn't count it as such I would be lying to myself. Also, if I don't share it now when it is fresh and relevant, it will fade away and perhaps disappear among the many memories of this place, and that would be a shame. Moreover, I guess to some degree I need a release of some sort, given the fact that I don't really have anyone to talk about my feelings here, and I unless I express how I feel, none of my close loved ones will ever really know.

So I guess this is a disclaimer before you go ahead and read this, namely that I will share something rather personal and touchy, so if you don't feel comfortable with that, then you better skip this one :) I am not afraid to share it with you because I trust that all of you who are taking the time to read this care and will respect my feelings. So with that disclaimer, this is what happened yesterday and today, and what it did in my relationship with Baba...

For personal reasons unrelated to this trip, I was feeling kind of down yesterday (I will share some of those reasons, but others I am not prepared to share). However, I didn't want my host family to notice how I was feeling, especially because I didn't want them to think that I was unhappy with them, feeling homesick, and wanting to go back to Canada. Well, I mean, to some degree I guess I WAS feeling a bit homesick, and maybe that is what started it all. I miss my family and friends, and having contact with them. I feel a bit lonely here, but I know that is normal and simply a part of the process. I can't expect everything to be perfect. After all, I came here on a difficult task. But I have no intention to go back to Canada before the allotted time, and before I am done what I came here to do.

But I think that yesterday, after talking to a couple of friends online, and to Curtis on the phone, I came to truly realize what is happening. It is like it finally hit me. The process to come here was so fast, so rushed, so sudden, that I really didn't have the time to think about it too much. I had to more very quickly, get many things prepared, and set many things aside, including certain feelings, my job, and my plans. But in the rush and the excitement of it all, it is like I had some sort of buffer, some sort of anesthetic that kept me from freaking out and saying to myself "I can't do this. I can't do this!!" Come to think of it, I have no idea how I ventured to do something like this, with such absolute lack of preparation. That is so unlike me. I like to believe that it was truly Divine Inspiration that got me through the process, for I know I would have been unable to do this on my own.

In addition, I think in great part what got me like this was also my last conversation with Curtis (most of you know what this is all about - we broke up in early March because he feels God may be calling him to the priesthood, and hence he is going to St. Phillip's seminary in the Fall to discern his vocation). We decided not to talk anymore starting Friday, since he needs to concentrate on where he is going (a.k.a. seminary), and communication was just making it unduly difficult for both of us. This was much harder for me to take than I originally expected it to be, even though I had already accepted the situation and felt at peace with it, and even though right now I do not expect nor want to get back together with him. God has put very good, and very different paths before each of us, and I should admit I am content with that. Some doors have closed as other new and very exciting doors have opened. So I am focusing on that and I have a lot of hope for my future :) Plus, like Job said (paraphrased), "God has given. God has taken away. Blessed be God forever!" Still, the final word of total separation, which annihilates even the possibility of retaining a friendship, was something I didn't realize I was not prepared for. We had been more than friends for such a long time, and killing the friendship felt like cutting my throat. The truth is, however, that our friendship was in fact getting problematic for many different reasons, and unfortunately, this would have had to happen sooner or later anyway, as I cannot keep contact with him while he is in seminary. And so it had to be. I have to admit I am really going to miss him terribly, but I don't want to be an obstacle for him, even as a friend. His calling is more important now than our friendship, and so I need to step aside and let it be what it is. C'est la vie!

It is worthwhile to add a not here. Please do not misunderstand me as many people have done before, and have questioned my allegiance to the Church. I love the Church and its precepts, and I accept and understand the doctrine of celibacy, which though not an infallible dogma, I believe still holds great value. In this case, though, I am also being asked to give up my best friend, and that is what makes it even harder. So now it is time to be a big girl, offer it up to God, and do what I have to do. Besides, God has been blessing me in many other ways through other avenues and friendships, and I need to (and want to) focus on those. And if it is meant to be after all these trials, only time will tell. Yesterday was simply a momentary lapse of weakness, and I will allow myself that, since after all, I too am human.

The other huge issue at stake that was making my head spin is the issue of the situation at the Internat (the orphanage), and what I am going to do about the grant money. I have a few ideas, but people tend to tell me it will all be too difficult to accomplish. I do not want to let this discourage me, but I am very much aware of the difficulties that lie ahead, particularly because of the culture difference. I am not even worried about the language as much, since in the worst care scenario I can just hire a translator to help me out get message across and the job done. I know I am being terribly vague here, but I will say more about this in a separate post, since that is a whole story onto itself. Besides, my ideas for this project are still a work in progress. What I can say, though, is that I am under a lot of pressure, since I know I will have to give an account of how I used this money to benefit the girls. I don't want to go back and say that all I did was to play with the girls for 3 months, even thought this too is very valuable, since these girls need a lot of attention. However, I do not want that my presence here and my work here dissipates and turns into nothing once I am gone. I hope I can get organized with the local churches to get some things accomplished, but that too will be a challenge... Like I said, I will tell you more about this later... when it is better solidified in my mind. In the meantime, please pray for me.

So anyway, I was thinking of all of this, and dealing with a lot of mixed feelings about a lot of OTHER issues, plus feeling rather overwhelmed by my school work, that I just got completely overwhelmed. I had read on other blogs that similar experiences had happened to some of the other students doing work terms like mine in other places. So I guess it was a matter of time for me to get my own personal freak out, hahaha. I didn't tell my mom or anyone else about it, mainly because I didn't want to worry them, but also because I just simply couldn't put my feelings into words at the time. It took a bit of time (and a cool head) before I could properly articulate what I was feeling. Well, I did tell someone, but I am getting ahead of myself...

So, I was rather upset, so I decided to go outside and sit for a bit in the nice weather while it passed, just so that my host family wouldn't see me do this haha. But you know how life is, and sure enough, Baba (my host Grandma) came walking in and saw me sitting on the ground by an old car, visibly upset (and by that I mean that she was me crying). She can't speak a word of English, so she just looked at me very, very concerned and walked inside the house. Shoot. That is all I could think. I had my hoodie sweatshirt on with my hoodie up, but I knew she had seen me. And sure enough, a few minutes later came Mama Ola to see what the commotion was (sure enough, Baba told her how she saw me). Perfect. She didn't say much. Actually, she didn't say anything at all. She just looked just as concerned and when I motioned to her that I was on the phone she went back inside. Wonderful. Just what I had tried to avoid had happened. And I didn't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that they had not approached me. But I knew I had to do something about it, lest they thought I was unhappy with them and wanted to go home.

I took some more time to cool off. Like I said, I just needed a bit of time to let myself feel overwhelmed, take it all in, let it all out, get a grip of myself, and move on. So I tried to do just that, and when I felt a bit more recollected I went inside and walked straight to my computer. I turned it on and went directly to "Google Translate", which is a Google program in which you can type in any language and it will translate it to any other language. It translates literally, so sometimes it translates awkwardly and incorrectly, but it is the best I got. So I wrote, in the most direct and simple way possible, what had happened. That is to say, I wrote down an explanation of the reasons why I was crying, asking them NOT to worry about me, and NOT to think I was unhappy and wanted to go back home to Canada (And now, to all of you who are reading this and worried sick about me, the same request goes to you... especially you mom! :P). I also said that while I was overwhelmed and had to deal with my issues, that I trusted in God and that He was helping me get through this, so that all I needed was their prayers (just as I need yours!!). Finally, I concluded the letter by saying how happy I was to be here, and how much I loved them all. I directed the letter to Baba, but in a way that Mama Ola could read it as well and feel it was directed to her.

So I copied the translated message onto a word document. Just at that moment, Krystina walked in, so I shared with her my concern and asked her if she could read my letter to make sure it was written correctly (remember, she speaks a good amount of English). To my surprise, when Krystina read my letter she got all teary-eyed, and she gave me a hug and offered me her support. Then she walked with me to take the unplugged computer to Baba. When I showed Baba the message, she too began to get teary-eyed, and she stood up from her chair, and gave me another surprising hug, then went off on a huge rant in Ukrainian, which Krystina tried, in the midst of tears and laughs, to translate for me. Baba said that she loved me very much, that I shouldn't worry, and something about God taking care of me. Boy... was that ever a scene! I was so utterly embarrassed at the drama I had created, and yet, as ridiculous as it all was, I was very grateful for it. I was just afraid that the whole scene would repeat a third time when I showed mama Ola my letter, but it had to be done, as I didn't want her especially to be concerned. So I got her to read it too, and thank goodness her reaction was very good. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but did not make a huge commotion, to which I felt some relief. I appologized to Krystina for all the drama and for making her cry, and she just laughed and said she was a crier. Just like me. Later on, she came in with a tiny little vase of flowers from the garden, and all she said was, "Miri, for you." I don't know how to describe how I felt. Gratefulness is not strong enouh a word.

After all of that, I felt much better, and especially, I didn't feel so alone. I really felt that these people care about me, even though I have been here for a relatively short period of time. It is amazing how people can bond with each other despite of barriers such as language and culture. So anyway, that was what happened yesterday.

What happened today was somewhat related, but it went the other way around. Sometimes there have been occasions when I have been alone in the house with Baba. Sometimes I think she doesn't realize that I am here because since I am studying quietly it would seem to her as though she is alone. And I have noticed that sometimes when this happens, Baba will cry. That always broke my heart, but I did not want to embarrass or upset her so I did not come out of my room at all, and let her have some space. Today, however, I just couldn't do that. She sounded particularly sad today. I do not know why she cries, but I have a very good suspicion that it is because she misses her husband and her son, both of whom passed away. Maybe she also feels a bit lonely, since she spends so much time alone, but I cannot tell for sure. Perhaps I am seeming rude for sharing this with you, but there is a good reason why I do. As I was studying, I could her her cry, and I just felt a pull to get up and go to her. What could I say to her? Nothing. So I didn't say a word. I got up, walked to the kitchen where she was, and knocked on the door. She turned around and looked at me. She wiped a tear away. I smiled at her, and motioned to her asking her if she needed a hug. I think she got the point, and she sort of nodded. So that is exactly what I did. I have her a hug. And she let me hug her. It was not a very long hug, but I could immediately tell she felt so much better. Like usual, she spoke to me in Ukrainian, but even though I could not understand a word she was saying, I could tell that she was grateful, and happy.

See, sometimes that is all we need. A hug. To feel somebody cares. We hide how horrible we really feel inside and we only express it when we think nobody is watching. I do this often, but it is not healthy. The last two days taught me about that. Sometimes it is ok to ask for help. To admit that we are weak and that we need each other. That we don't alwas have to be rock-solid strong. Many of my friends in Canada had shown me this before when they had supported me through difficult situations in the past, but I don't think it really clicked until today. And especially, I think what clicked today as well was that sometimes God allows the strangest and most unusual circumstances to be the ones through which he imparts his grace on us. And, also, sometimes we need to allow ourselves to step out of our comfort zone and let ourselves be conduits of grace ourselves. I don't want to appear self-righteous or conceited when I say this at all. Nor do I mean to sound 'preachy'. If that is what you are getting from this, please forgive my inadequate words and my inability to express myself the way I wish I could; please do not misunderstand. All I am doing is sharing what I learned and how I hope it changes me. Perhaps I am more open to change here, now that I am so removed from my natural and comfortable environment. What I mean to say is that I was equally blessed when I was able to provide comfort than when I received it, if not more! In fact, when I went out to hug Baba, it was because I felt a pull for it, even though it made me very uncomfortable at first. I was afraid she would be angry with me, or embarrassed, or offended. And yet, it was so good. So I guess I am letting myself be vulnerable with you by sharing this because I think it was a valuable lesson I learned today. Never to be afraid to stretch out a hand to someone I see in need, nor dismiss someone's need, even if it is something very simple. Sometimes it is just easier not to do anything. I have done that a lot... I have done nothing many times when I should have, and many times when it would not have cost me anything, other than getting a bit out of my way or stepping a bit out of my comfort zone. I wish to change that.

So, like Forest Gump says, "And that's all I have to say about that." I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with this. If I did, let me know! Hahaha. At any rate, thanks again for taking the time to undertake the arduous task of keeping up with my blog, hahaha. Hopefully I will have more pictures and less drama to share with you next time ;) Once again, thanks you for your comments (includying the many I have received through facebook - I really appreciate them). Please forgive me if I don't always answer to them individually right away. I will do my best to do so promptly. And as always, love you all, miss you all, and God bless.