Face to Face with the Cold Truth

Yesterday was a difficult day. We got special permision to look at the files of all of the internat's girls, in order to learn a little bit more about each of them. With the help of Luba, one of the staff members, and with Orest serving as our translator, we got to read through each of the girls' files, which contained information about their name, their birth, etc. We went through each of them, looking at their old passports and their pictures of when they were little. Luba helped us by filling in the blanks, explaining to us little bits about the family situation of each girl, as well as telling us some of the terribly sad stories of some of these girls. We knew we should have expected this from the beginning, but no matter how much you prepare yourself, it is still very hard to take, even though Luba was minimally descriptive in most cases.

Practically all of these girls have some form of dissability. There are a couple exeptions, but when this is the case, there story usually includes family abuse. As we read through the names I made a list of them, and soon we were flooded with the one or two-sentence stories of these little ones. Their family histories? They went something like this: abandoned at birth; abandoned due to pregnancy being the result of incest; mother attempted abortion but baby survived, mother deserted her; both parents died; parents lost custody; parents alcoholics/drug addicts/etc.; previously adopted at age 3 but brough back at age 6, when dissability was discovered; mother died, father unknown; parents have mental illness, unable to care for her; etc.... Some girls have parents who visit them; or some this means once a year or on holidays, but others are a bit more lucky and their parents visit them regularly; they just simply can't take care of a disabled child on their own, although my questions as to why vary, depending on each girl. For some of them may be poverty or family conflict, but I would not be surprised in the least if in many cases it was simply a result of prejudice, because many of these girls' mental disabilities are so minimal that they can live a perfectly normal life, and the same goes for the ones who have physical deformities, whether they are minor or major.

All four of us (Orest, Jen, Jessica and I), worked with Luba together. Jessica took pictures of the girls' photos so that we could match the faces with the info, Orest translated what Luba was saying, Jen copied a list that told us when each girl was born (or was it when each girl got to the internat? I am not sure now! ??), and I made a list with each girls' name and date of birth. This was very helpful because hald the time it is complete guess work when it comes to knowing the girls' ages (remember I mentioned how many of them look much younger than they really are?). The process did not take very long (only about an hour and a half), but it took a huge toll on all of us. Despite of the minimal detail given on each girl's family history, we could just about imagine what they must have gone through. Abandoned at birth. Returned after adoption. Survived an abortion. Even "parents lost custody" is heart wrenching, because there must have been pretty serious reasons why that happened. And of the 67 girls who live here, and all the ones who have lived here before and have grown up, none of them have been adopted (with the exception of one, but as I mentioned before, that didn't stick), nor do they have any hopes of that ever happening. These are unwanted kids.

Orest had to leave soon after, and the three of us remained a little while longer. However, we were all in a bad mood. Not with each other, of course, just with the situation. I wanted to just walk away. I wanted to walk home, and at first I seriously considered it, because I wanted to do some thinking, but then, considering I had my laptop on me and I was wearing flip-flops, I decided it'd be smarter for me to take the bus, and that is what I did. Jennifer and Jessica did walk home (for them it is a much longer walk than mine). I thought a lot on the bus back, and on my walk from the bus stop to my house. All I could think of is how much I want these girls to feel loved. I think that knowing their stories has made me feel an even deeper appreciation for their smiles and their energy; I cannot believe what some of these little ones have gone through, and are still able to play, and laugh, and be at least somewhat happy. But I know they feel very alone; very unloved. You can tell from the way they crave to be touched, and hugged, and from their competition with one another for our attention. Each girl takes it differently, some being huge attention seekers, others hiding in a corner; but you can tell that for all of them, they are just hungry for love. At times, when you are least expecting it, a girl will come to you, and will give you a hug. And she will just stay there, in your arms, for a loooooooong time. It happens so often with me, and when it does, I just put everything into that hug, and I pray for that little girl. For her future.

Because of this that I am mentioning, that I can see their desperate need for love and attention, I have grown quite tolerant with certain things that used to really bother me before or that I simply had a hard time with. For example, something simple like letting the girls borrow my camera to take pictures is something that was originally not comfortable with at all. You know how it is, cameras are expensive and it is not ideal to have little ones running around with it, all wanting to use it at once. However, little by little I taught them (not all of them, of course, but at least the ones who are interested in playing with my camera) how to use it, and I showed them how to be careful with it and how to share it calmly without ripping it from each others' hands. It still gets messy sometimes, hahahaha, but it has gotten so much better, and seeing their delighted faces when I let them use it is just priceless. This is also why I have a million repeat pictures in my albums, hahahahaha, and why I have ended up being in so many pictures. Most of the pictures you have seen of me at the iternat have been taken by them hahahaha. They are getting quite good at taking pictures, so much so that I often don't even look at them before upload them, although that has come to backfire a few times hahahahahaha. Wow, that was a long tangent lol, sorry. Anyway, the point is that I have learned to be less concerned about petty stuff like them getting my camera scratched and to concentrate more on how to bring them joy. I am still a LOOOOONG way to go, but I feel more comfortable with things like that.

Another thing that I have grown accustomed to is to things that are usually pretty gross, but still need to get done. For instance, I don't know if you remember that I have mentioned that there is one little girl whose nose constantly looks like Niagara Falls. It is terrible. Her nose is ALWAYS dirty, and it is the really repulsive green kind of nose dirt, not just the clear stuff (sorry about the descroption, lol). So ANYWAY, ever since that first day when I cleaned her nose with that awful rag they gave me (after I washed it, or course, since when they gave it to me to clean her nose it was crunchy and dirty), I have been making an effort to keep her nose clean constantly. I have brought kleenexes and toilet paper with me, and that makes it easier. Orest is also very diligent keeping an eye on her, and so are Jen and Jessica. I just wish so badly that the staff got the point (which at first I though they had ever since Jessica told them, but unfortunately it didn't stick), because otherwise once we leave it will go back to the same old thing.

So anyway... after so many long tangents, the point I am trying to make is that I don't want to let my petty sensitivities get in the way of letting me give my best to them. It is so hard at times. I feel so emotionally (and physically) exhausted so much of the time, and there are days that are just veyr frustrating, but I think that is the point. After reading those files though, I think I have gotten a little stronger - that is, after feeling completely weak and helpless, if that makes any sense. I guess what I mean is that now I have an even greater desire to work hard for them, and to give them as much love as I can while I am here. I guess I am getting repetitive, so I will leave it at that. I am just starting to feel, however, how difficult it is going to leave this place. I have a couple of things that I am REALLY looking forward to when I come back to Canada, but even with that, it is going to be tough, because I know I will leave a part of my heart behind.

_________

Today I was supposed to go to a village with my host family to visit this particular little church, but our plans got frustrated when the fridge broke and Mama Ola had to stay home today for the repairman to come. Krystina and I though of maybe still going by ourselves, but with the weather threatening for heavy rain at the village, we decided not to go. I considered going to the internat instead, but I decided to stay home instead just to give myself sometime to digest all that we had taken in yesterday. Jen and Jessica went to Lviv today as well, and we had already told the girls we weren't coming, so I don't feel as guilty not going. I think it would be very tough to go by myself today after yesterday. I am in a weird mood. I am not really sad, or angry, or anything of the sort. I think I am just frustrated with reality, but that is to be expected, of course. Overall I feel pretty good inside, that is to say, I don't feel down like I felt yesterday, mainly because I spent a lot of time talking to a very good friend last night and that really helped bring my mood up. I think I am just thoughtful right now, trying to assimilate everything and making it part of this experience. For the rest of the day I will just concentrate on schoolwork and Monday's upcomming assigment, catching up on my sleep (since I it seems that sleep depravation is a permanent condition for me now, hahaha), and maybe taking some extra time to reflect on the last month of my stay here. I finished the Captain Catholic series (there are a total of 7 episode plus 3 short movies), so I guess I will have to find myself another destressor, hahaha.

My plans for tomorrow are the same as for today, but Sunday should be fun because Jen and Jessica are coming at 3 pm and we are watching a movie, picking raspberries, and planning for our trip to Auschwitz. So with that, I leave you for now. Thanks again for taking the time to read my ramblings, and thank you for all your comments, emails, and the like. I hope you are enjoying my photo albums (and please let me know if you are being able to open them properly). Love you all, miss you all. God bless!