Two Weeks: Past and Future

Before the weekend gets too crazy and I let it pass for any longer, I thought it would be a good idea to blog about what I've been up to for the last two weeks, as well as my plans for the next two weeks!

In my last post I gave you an idea of the sort of things I have been up to while only last few weeks of my stay in Ukraine. In addition to that, I have been making use of my grant to re-stock the internat with a number of very-needed items for which there is just no funding. Like I mentioned before, I have provided the girls with school supplies, ABC books, and other educational materials, as well as with development-promoting toys for the little ones. I am still fighting to get the staff to let the girls use all of this stuff on a regular basis, rather than leave it on the shelves, as it is their custom (*frustration boiling up*)

Aside from this, a few things have happened that are out of the ordinary. For one, I am really sad to say that Marena, the girl who was found 5 months pregnant and was sent away, is back... she is not pregnant anymore :( It makes my heart squirm in pain to just think about it... That poor little child, at 5 months of development, being ripped from his mother's womb, with no one to plead for him or her (I don't know whether it was a boy or a girl) nor for the mother. There was nothing she could do. The decision was made for her. I won't say much more because I have already made my position clear before. All I can say is that my heart aches for each and every one of these girls who has gone through such a horrible experience, without ever even getting a choice :'(

On a lighter note, the other day I got all the girls to write their names on these coloured sheets of paper for me to put on the thank-you posters for the churches. It was so much fun! Many of them couldn't really write their name, so they used the help of their peers to do so. For example, Luba would write the name of a little girl on her arm, and we would have the little girl copy her own name onto the paper, one letter at a time. It took a long time, but it was awesome! I wanted the girls to write their own names, rather than have me write them :) I will keep one of the pages for myself :)

Another unusual thing that happened was actually quite unexpected! I guess perhaps I have made all of the staff at the internat seem like evil ogres that mistreat and neglect all of these beautiful little girls, and to some extent, that is true. But there are also a few kind-hearted souls among the staff, including a lady by the name of Luba. The other day I got to properly meet her for the first time (I had seen her around and said hello before, but that was about it). This was on a Saturday, and it was the first time I got to see the little chapel at the internat. I think I might have mentioned this before (gees, I cannot even remember what I have written and what I haven't!). In any case, the chapel was nothing more than just another classroom, but it as beautifully decorated with all sorts of icons and other images. My favourite part, of course, was the picture of Jesus, the Divine Mercy, which was hung on the left hand side. There was also a small altar, traditionally decorated with icons, crosses, etc. Luba showed me around, and we had a brief, broken conversation about my family, my faith, and my work at the internat (it is amazing how much you can say, even with such poor Ukrainian language skills on my part!) A few of the girls had already gather around us, all of them showing me the brand new crucifixes they had just been given. They were sporting their crosses with great pride, which made me feel such joy. I was really glad to see that Luba was promoting faith in Jesus in these little ones. It is not only a part of their culture, but it is so very important for them to keep hope (not to mention Salvation! But we won't go there :)). If you watch the videos I posted, the one about the Room of the Malenkas was taken on this day, and you can see the crosses they got.

Well, as it turns out, Luba organized a trip to take the girls to Zervanetsya, a Ukrainian Catholic Shrine that is very important in this area. The girls were gone for a FULL WEEK! While I was thrilled that the girls got to go to the shrine, I was kind of sad about it when I first heard of it because I had very little time left here, and all the girls who were going were the ones that I have the most interaction with. Only the little girls and the ones with severe mental disabilities stayed, as well as a number of the older ones who stayed to work. However, it actually turned out great. This forced me to spend more time with some of the girls that I had not spent as much time with...

For one, I got to spend a lot more time with the Malenkas (the little girls), which was beautiful. We had a lot of fun the last few days. The other day I came to the internat in the afternoon, while the girls were supposed to be laying down. Some of them take naps, but most of the time the girls just roll around in their beds, giggling and just resting, even if not asleep. When I got into the room, I hugged each and every one of them. They look so cute all cuddled up in their blankets :P There was a staff member there, of course. She was very nice and tried to make conversation with me. As we were talking, I sat at the head of Viera's bed, with Viera laying her head on my lap. I just hugged her and pet her baby-soft blong hair. She clings to me a lot. I love her so much. And then, something happened... the woman I was talking to started to tell me which of the girls there had mothers and which ones didn't... RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS!!! She would point at a girl and say, "She as a mother, but is in Italy (Olia)", then point at another one and say "She doesn't have a mother", etc. I could not believe she was saying that in front of the girls. I felt a sting. I know the woman wasn't trying to be mean, but still! To her it was as normal and comfortable as talking about the weather. Sure, maybe they are used to the knowledge that their mothers are dead or don't want them, but do they need to hear it over and over?? These girls are 3-6 years old! :( (Olia is 9 but I have explained before that she is like a 3 year old)...

And then, the woman pointed at Viera, who was still laying on my lap, and she said "Viera doesn't have a mother. Do you, Viera?" !!!!!! Viera, with her little voice sad but calm, replied, "No. I don't have a mother." My heart stopped... Tears started to form in my eyes. But just before I could say or do anything, the woman said, "But Viera, you have love in your heart, don't you? You love other people, like Nastia, and your other sisters." Viera answered, "Yes, I have love. I love Nastia." And she smiled. And just that very second, she turned around, looked up at me, and said... "I love you, Miri".............. At this point I just couldn't help it any longer and tears literally ran down my face. I pulled Viera up, I hugged tightly, and I told her "I love you too, Viera." And just held her like that for a few seconds...

There is not much more I can say about that. When the moment passed, everything went back to normal, as if nothing had been said. The woman did not even make any comment. She just smiled briefly, and soon after got all the girls ready to go downstairs and play. Olia had been sound asleep and when they woke her up, it turned out that she was swimming in pee :( I don't know how we didn't even notice! It must have just happened so it didn't smell. Or maybe, I just got used to the bad smell of that room, since it always smells like urine, just a few moments after I got in, and therefore did not notice it. How can that even happen! It made me feel so bad. Immediately, all the other little girls started to remove the sheets of Olia's bed, and THEY cleaned the mattress!! The staff member just wiped it again quickly with a sheet before going down. No soap, no disinfectant. Nothing. It all happened so fast that in less than 5 minutes we were all outside of the room. In those 5 short minutes, the girls had cleaned the bed, put on their dresses and shoes and were ready to go. I was still too much in shock to be of much help, but I did help the girls to button up their dresses. After that, I went home... I needed to think...

** My dear little ones, how much I'm going to miss you!! :( **

And so the days have gone by. I also made time to spend with the girls who have more severe mental disabilities. It is hard to do that, because I have no training and I am unsure of what to do with them. A few of them get very, very, very clingy and excited when I am with them, and literally they can be glued to me like velcro, to the point of suffocation! I am NOT joking! I have to untangle myself from their rigid limbs and try to hug them in a more gentle way. Others are completely withdrawn and hardly even let you touch them, especially one of them, who tends to get rather aggressive. Others, like Inessa, are a lot more gentle and easier to relate to, even if they are completely non-verbal. Because of their disabilities, with these girls sometimes the only thing you can do is just sit. Sit with them on the benches outside. Saying nothing. Doing nothing. Just being. Being with one another. And you know what? They cannot say anything. But I can tell they appreciate it. They smile. They follow you around if you leave to talk to someone else. They crave your presence, even if it seems you are not interacting with them at all. To them, you are. What an easier way there is to make someone happy than just to sit quietly beside them. I have truly learned the value of that. One day I sat beside one of these girls. She tends to mumble the same sentence all the time. I am not sure exactly what she says, but Jessica seemed to think that she was saying "Momma, I want, I want". She always sits alone on the benches outside. She has a very dark tan line from just sitting in the sun every day, all by herself. So I sat beside her, and I held her hand. She looked at me with excitement and smiled enormously. Her teeth were atrocious; yet, I have seen few more beautiful and genuine smiles in my life. I held her hand, and I prayed to God for her and for all of the girls. It was such a peaceful moment. I will always treasure it.

The other group of girls that I got to spend some more time with were the older ones. As I have mentioned before, Hanna, who used to be a big pain in the neck to Jessica, and who used to ignore me completely, is now very nice and attentive to me. Ever since the day of the bags, she has been a lot more sociable. The other day, I had to walk home because it was Sunday and the buses do not run. To my surprise, Hanna offered to walk with me!! Luba and Katia joined us, and they walked me all the way to the highway! We walked slowly, so it took at least 20 minutes. The entire way, Hanna talked to me and asked me questions. I could only understand a very minimal portion of what she was saying, but I tried my best to communicate with her. I told them about my faith and about how I love God, and asked them if they believed in God. It was a very interesting and powerful conversation, despite of how broken it was! It truly amazed me! I was dumb-struck at how much patience Hanna was having with my poor language skills. I would have expected her to grow exasperated with me, but she didn't! It was such a great experience.

The other day, I also spent time with Hanna and Tamara building a puzzle I brought for them. Puzzles are one of my favourite hobbies, so I thought I'd give it a try. Valia sat beside us and watched us build the puzzle. She has Down Syndrome and she was not able to really participate (she found it incredibly difficult), but she enjoyed being with us and just watching. Hanna, Tamara and I had a great time. I also brought a couple of other games for the older girls, including Twister!! I am SO excited to play it with them. Maybe we will tonight, or perhaps tomorrow.

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Aside from that, I have been trying to get a hold of the priest at the third church to talk about the charities. It has been quite an ordeal because of Orest being gone on vacation and such. However, even though we are cutting it close for time, we are going to go talk to him tomorrow. My main goal here is to create connections between the churches and the internat, hopefully setting up more funds to go to Caritas so that they can be channeled to the Internat through Irena. So far that worked with the first church I appealed to. I made a poster to thank them for their collection's contribution, as well as for their set up of a regular charity with Caritas.

The second church I approached was my church, which is the only Roman Catholic church in Ternopil. The priest was incredibly nice and very opened. Unfortunately their parish community cannot really provide much financial support right now because they are in debt from building their new church, but the priest promised to create a connection with Irena at the internat, as well as to write me a letter to appeal to the Canadian Ukrainian Catholic community in Waterloo. This was Myrowlaw's idea, and I think it is fantastic! I hope that the third church goes as well as the first one did, but if not, at least as good as the second one :)

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So what now? Well, today is a special holiday here in Ternopil. It is a special Marian day, so there is a big celebration. Baba's name is Maria, so they are having a small family get together here this afternoon. That is why I am not at the internat right now. I will go there in the evening today, after the family lunch is over, otherwise I would not be able to be back on time if I went this morning.

Tomorrow, as I said, I will go in the morning with Orest to talk to the priest, and after that we are meeting "The Davids" and the rest of my African friends for lunch. Sunday and Monday are going to consist of tying things up and saying my final goodbyes to all the people I have met here, as well as packing and sorting through my things. As it turns out, I am going to have to leave more than half of my luggage with the girls! This is because I brought 46 kilograms of luggage to Ukraine, according to standard luggage allowances to and from Canada to Europe, but what I didn't know is that the luggage weight allowance for flights within Europe is of only 20 kilograms!! And the fees for extra weight are RIDICULOUS! My flight back to Canada leaves from Stockholm, Swden, since I decided to visit my aunt there, and it will be far less expensive for me to leave most of my stuff beghind and just buy new clothes to replace them in Canada than it is for me to ship them or bring them with me! :S I wasn't planning on making this expense, but oh well. Such is life. At the very least I am glad that I can leave my stuff with the girls. I am sure they can make use of it :) What I am mostly likely going to do is to go to Good Will and Value Village (second hand/thrift stores) and just re-do my wardrobe, since I brought most of the clothes I wear on a regular basis with me, and I will have to leave them behind. It's ok though. I buy most of my clothes at thrift stores, anyway, so it is not a big deal :)

I guess I am more concerned about being able to bring gifts for my family, friends, and teachers... I hope I can keep everything under the limited weight limit :P Fortunately, Orest is coming with me to Lviv to see me off at the airport. That will make things infinitely easier! Wow... I can't believe I am leaving. Time has just FLOWN by! By this time next week, I will be in Sweden, visiting my aunt, and soon after I will be in Canada! Back to school and back to work! Wow!

So much has happened this summer! I can't believe how many changes have taken place... in my personal growth at the internat, in my faith, in my academic pursuits (I think I am going to pursue a Master's of Social Work instead of a Master's of Divinity now!), in my personal life :), in my view of the world... I feel like I am a different person. I have so many flaws, and I know I have screwed things up a lot in the past, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to be so selfish. I don't want to be so self-centered, or judgmental, or critical. You know, it is easy to become cynical when you see other people's suffering. It is easy to doubt and to lose faith in humanity. But then, in the midst of all the muck, I have discovered so much love, so much joy, so much hope! These girls have changed me. I could be cynical and say, "What the hey! There is nothing I can do so I might just as well accept that's just the way the world is and live my life..." But instead, I want to say, "There is so much reason for hope. All I can do is do the little I can, entrust it to God, and let him do the rest." That is how I want to live. I know I still have many flaws, and it would be a lie if I said that I will never fall in the same defects of my past again, but at least I can say I want to try. I just hope that my family and friends can see a difference in me, one that is for the better :) I hope I can truly be changed, deep inside.

Thanks again for reading all my ramblings. I'll be home soon :) Please pray for me. Please also pray for a special intention of mine (for a friend who is going through a very hard time right now). I will pray for you too. Love you all, Miss you all. God bless.